Here at BrickUnderground, we have lots of first-person columns to peruse, from Farm to City--chronicling a rental rookie's adventures in NYC real estate--to My Big Fat Board Interview--where New Yorkers relate what really happens in a co-op board interview--to Transitions, first-hand accounts of cross-neighborhood moves.
For this week's SurvivalList--a thematic curation of some of our favorite posts--we draw your attention to our only slightly tongue-in-cheek NYC Real(i)ty Speak series dedicated to separating real estate spin from reality.
There are posts on decoding neighbor "niceties" in the laundry room ("Wow, that is a lot of laundry!" actually means "Which one of your kids has lice this time?") and in the elevator ("Look at her - growing up so fast!" = "I think it is disgusting that a 6-year-old has her own iPhone.").
There's also brokerspeak for sellers ("Are there any personal items that you want to remove before we start doing open houses?" = "No one wants to see the framed pictures of your three children exiting your ungroomed va-jay-jay, even if this is Park Slope.")...
...for buyers ("They had three children who all graduated from Horace Mann" = "With the right parenting, the drug deals going on in the park across the street will not have an adverse effect on your children.")...
...and open-house attendees ("The Second Avenue subway will really bring up this apartment's value!" roughly translates as "I am a sucker for getting in to a bidding war for this place in 2006, I'll go crazy if I see another rat, and the soot is starting to cloud my brain. Please buy it and put me out of my misery.)
Renovators, meanwhile, may enjoy these examples of how to deconstruct a decorator's pronouncements (e.g. "six weeks to move-in" means "six months to move-in) and understand a contractor ("There was an unexpected condition" = "My original estimate was off by 30%.").
Enjoy these and more NYC Real(i)ty Speak columns below:
- Renovation regrets
- It's named a punch list for a reason
- Renovation neighborspeak
- Renovation lies we have known
- Decorator decorum
- 5 signs you picked the wrong paint color
- 5 signs your gut renovation has worn off
- Renovate my world
Dealing with building staff
- Good excuses for lame tippers (sort of)
- When the new people overtip the super, you kinda notice
- You know the super is on vacation when…
Buying/Selling an apartment:
- A spoonful of pre listing advice
- A tax assessor and a buyer walk into a co-op
- Translation help for fall open house season
- Closing room small talk
- Room with a view… sort of
- There must be 50 ways to leave your offer
- MORTgage means death in Latin
- No truth serum, just a nanny at the walk-thru
- Smart replies to neighborly parenting advice
- Laundry room lip service
- Neighbor favors
- What the neighbors say when your apartment is on, and on, the market
- A little elevator convo goes a long way
Parenting in NYC
- If Upper East Side public schools could talk
- Out of the mouths of babes
- Buy this place and your kid can attend Dalton too!
More funny lists (we love lists!)
- New Year's resolutions for NYers
- 5 Groupons for vertical dwellers
- 5 signs your spouse is sleeping with a "member of the household"
See all NYC Real(i)ty Speak here