Is your neighbor harassing you? Follow these 4 steps to handle the problem

One of the consequences of living in a densely populated city like New York is that even if you don’t know your neighbors, you can probably hear them, either in the hallways or through an adjoining wall—and sometimes even smell what they’re cooking for dinner. 

"We receive numerous requests for mediation to help resolve conflicts in this crowded city, especially for noise-related disputes," says Michele Kirschbaum, director of programs at New York Peace Institute. 

The rules about common nuisances like weird sounds and odorous trash are typically spelled out in your lease or bylaws and can often be fairly easy to tackle (or ultimately endure—with the requisite complaining and kvetching that is every New Yorker’s right). But what can you do when someone’s behavior is beyond obnoxious and borders on harassment—like yelling and groping? (These and other behaviors are part of a current real-life situation, below.)

New York State law defines harassment as any conduct intended to annoy, threaten, intimidate, or alarm another person. (Here's a handy guide in plain language.) If that sounds like your situation, you should know there are steps you can take to resolve the situation—including calling the police if you are ever physically in danger. Read on for what else you can do.

[Editor’s note: An earlier version of this post was published in October 2023. We are presenting it again with updated information for September 2024.]

1. Talk it out

Dealing directly with your neighbor is probably the last thing you want to do but it’s an important move. 

Dean M. Roberts, a real estate lawyer at Norris McLaughlin, points out that while safety should be your first priority, talking the issue out with your neighbor is still the first step you should take. You need to have some direct communication before pursuing a more formal route, such as mediation.

Roberts recommends reaching out to your neighbor either in an email or a handwritten letter. You don’t want to create a situation where your harasser can say, “If only she had told me, I would have stopped.” Not only do you come off as the unreasonable party, but you may miss an opportunity to straighten out the conflict early. 

If you’ve made an earnest attempt to have a meeting of the minds but failed to get a satisfactory resolution, don’t continue to force the issue—that can only escalate the situation. Move on to step two.

You also shouldn't have to deal with someone directly who makes you (or others) feel unsafe; in that instance, seek help. 

2. Enlist the landlord or board

Landlords and co-op boards have an obligation to provide you with a habitable apartment, but what that actually means isn’t always clear-cut. 

When it’s cigarette (or pot) smoke or kids running in the hallways, the management company can step in to help sort it out—filling gaps in walls between apartments in the former case, or even bringing in sound equipment to measure decibel levels in the latter.

If the person is creating a vermin issue, landlords have even more of a duty to act. (And if they don’t, you can register a complaint with 311.) 

Landlords face an uphill battle in evicting tenants who are paying their rent and not doing anything illegal per se; this is especially true for rent-stabilized buildings. 

What’s more, condo and co-op boards and landlords are loath to do anything about these intra-neighbor scenarios. “There is little or no upside,” Roberts says. “It puts them in the difficult position of making judgment calls they don’t want to make with information they don’t have.” Plus, they’ll have to contend with either one or both owners or tenants being on the warpath. 

That said, you do have every right to register a complaint; the key is to be persistent. Roberts advises putting your issue in writing for the board or landlord, and be sure to include the dates of the incident. “It’s stronger evidence than saying, ‘I called last year but I can’t remember when,’” he says, adding that you should state the problem and then say something along the lines of, “Please let me know how you think it should be dealt with/how you can help me.” 

If you do not hear back, Roberts recommends sending a second letter in which you put them on notice that "X" consequence will occur if you don’t respond by "Y" date. These are not idle threats but justifiable actions, including withholding maintenance and bringing a lawsuit against the neighbor, the board or landlord, and the managing agent for breaching their duty to protect you. (See step four for more about taking the legal route.)

Robert J. Braverman, managing partner at Braverman Greenspun, a law firm specializing in condo and co-op law, dealt with one infamous case where the harassment was so egregious the board itself brought a suit. The defendant's objectionable behavior included taking pictures of other owners while they were working out.

Initially, the legal team felt this could be handled between the unit owners, but Braverman says it reached a tipping point. “When it becomes a pattern and extends to the staff and to many unit owners, at some point the board said: Enough is enough,” he explains.

The firm is currently handling another case where a resident of a condo is charged with a pattern of behaviors occurring over nearly a year, including: routinely trailing, slapping, and groping women and children who lived in or visited the building; yelling derogatory and sexually inappropriate statements at neighbors; soliciting a visiting teenage girl for a sexual encounter in the elevator; threatening to kick a neighbor’s dog; and taking a neighbor’s dog's biscuits and eating them.  

"Other residents and the board were sensitive to the fact that this was clearly a mental health issue and looked into non-legal alternatives; however, in the end, the fear that residents (especially women) had in their building pushed the board to file the lawsuit," says Fletcher Corley, an associate at Braverman Greenspun who is familiar with the case. "It got so bad that the doorman, porter, and male residents were escorting women who lived in the building to their apartment doors to avoid any potentially dangerous situations with the resident in question."

In these and other scenarios, creating a record of complaints is essential, documenting all incidents in a log and registering dates and times, says attorney Sam Himmelstein, a partner at Himmelstein McConnell Gribben & Joseph (who recently retired). Establishing a paper trail will help you build your case if you wind up pursuing legal action or breaking your lease and getting sued by your landlord.

If there are witnesses to any incidents, try to get their written statements, too. Even better if you or they capture any incidents on video. 

3. Seek mediation

When the steps above don’t alleviate the problem—or have the opposite effect and exacerbate it—you can pursue mediation in lieu of filing a fully-fledged legal case. 

Besides being quicker and cheaper (or even free), “mediation is inherently less adversarial because the parties are choosing to participate,” says Lauren Axelrod, general counsel for the New York City Bar Association. The parties can work together cooperatively and on their own schedule to form their own solution rather than leaving the decision to a judge, and end up with something that is (ideally) mutually agreeable. 

The proceeding is private and confidential. There’s another important reason to go for a more cooperative solution: You’re likely going to be neighbors for a while and see each other, at least occasionally in the building’s common areas.

The NYC Bar Association's Co-op and Condo Mediation Project supplies trained mediators with capped hourly fees. You should probably plan on at least two hours. 

“The hardest part is getting both parties to agree to mediate,” Kirschbaum says. New York Peace Institute offers free mediation services via video conferencing for those who seek that convenience, or in person at their Manhattan and Brooklyn offices. 

Mediation can be challenging but also hugely rewarding and empowering. “Conflicts are emotional and deep, but having an opportunity to talk things out is very, very helpful. Once parties begin to communicate with one another in mediation, and start to feel heard, creative solutions can emerge. Even if you don’t actually come to a full agreement, the parties might come to a better understanding of one another, and tensions can be eased,” Kirschbaum says.

Know that a mediation agreement is not enforceable by law. As a legally binding contract, however, you could sue the other person for breach in civil court. 

Roberts adds that the police will clearly side with you in any future incidents—and, if the harasser defaults, the mediation agreement will help build your case in a legal claim.  

According to Kirschbaum, if the other person is unwilling to mediate, New York Peace Institute offers a solo session with one of their trained mediators where you can talk through the situation and the strategies you are or are not using. The mediator can help reality-test various solutions that just might work.

Overall, the potential benefits of mediation, such as improved communication and understanding, the possibility of repaired relationships, and the opportunity to create personalized solutions, far outweigh any possible downsides, making it a highly recommended option for addressing neighbor disputes, she explains.  

4. Go the legal route

If you want to take legal action, you have some options here, including filing a complaint with the New York State Division of Human Rights or initiating a suit with NYC’s Department of Housing, Preservation, and Development, which protects low-income and senior tenants from building code violations like failure to provide heat or address a vermin infestation. “More nuanced issues like noise complaints, while technically in violation of the code, aren’t as clear-cut,” Roberts says. 

As to what constitutes harassment under the law, “You know it when you see it,” Roberts says, adding there is no bright line but it is rather based on the totality of the timeline and events. 

“It also boils down to intent,” Roberts says. So a professional pianist who plays classical music for 12 hours a day would not be considered a nuisance (true story), while a neighbor who is blaring opera music because she knows it drives you nuts arguably could be. 

If the harassment is really out of hand, you may ultimately have to get the police involved. Even one visit from the cops can be enough to stop the behavior. All the better (sad to say) if the perpetrator has a reputation for harassing other people in the building. Axelrod points out that you can get legal assistance through the NYC Bar Association’s Legal Referral Service, allowing you to connect with a qualified, vetted lawyer. 

Should you file a criminal complaint that leads to an arrest, you as the plaintiff can eventually go to your local police precinct and request an order of protection, compelling the defendant to stay away from you and your apartment for a stated period of time (generally one year). 

“People think this order is an immediate solution but it takes some time and effort to reach that point,” Roberts says. 

The likelihood of the District Attorney’s office pursuing the case to trial is slim. If it does go to trial, the case could take months to wind through the system, and there's no guarantee that an order of protection will be granted.

In the meantime, the person might be living right next to you or in the same building, and there’s nothing you can do about that. “At least the order gives you a shield in case there’s a violation,” Roberts says. Meaning if you call the police, they will clearly take your side rather than chalk it up to just another neighbor dispute. That’s saying something. 

Only you can gauge whether it’s worth all the effort of pursuing a criminal case, especially in light of the unpredictable outcome. 

Instead, if you are open to the idea of moving, why not channel all that time, energy, and cost to finding a new home with (fingers crossed) friendlier neighbors? That, for sure, brings its own stress level, but may lead to a happier ending. 

—Earlier versions of this article contained reporting and writing by V. L. Hendrickson and Emily Myers.

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