NYC Real(i)ty Speak: The New Yorker's Guide to BTUs

It is springtime in New York, when window a/c's blossom out of windows like weepy urban daffodils. Whether you are cranking up your window unit or shopping for a replacement, be sure to account for NYC's intense urban heat grid, reflected in Brick's guide to BTUs:

• 4,000 - 6,000 BTUs - Why bother? Might as well use an electric fan.
• 6,000 - 7,500 BTUs - Get out of the shower and you will need another immediately.
• 7,500 - 9,000 BTUs - Cools the bedroom down enough for either you or your partner to have an orgasm, but not both of you simultaneously.
• 10,5000 - 12,000 BTUs - Stock the fridge, you are going to be very popular during major sporting events and new Glee episodes.
• 12,000 - 25,000 BTU's - Open your Con-Ed bill in the back of the apartment where the neighbors can't hear you screaming.

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Veronica X. is a Canadian by birth, an Upper West Sider by nature, and an Upper East Sider by choice and circumstance. She has finally found an apartment big enough for her family, books, and shoes and is now in the process of renovating it. 

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