NYC Real(i)ty Speak: Renovate my world

So your apartment is getting a facelift?  Hear this:

• Plumber: "There is some water damage to the apartment below the master bathroom.” Translation:  "Changing out the fixtures and retiling ain’t gonna do it, lady.  This is a total gut job--$25-30k, which should just about cover the new roof at my beach house.”
• Contractor: "We can do central air, but we'll have to drop the ceiling..."  Translation: "Your husband might develop a hunchback but you'll be cool as cucumber."
• Electrician: "I'll be there to install the fixtures tomorrow." Translation: "It will cost more to have the light put in than to actually buy the lights."
• Floor guy: “I have good news and bad news. The good news is that your ceiling height will get higher.”  Translation: “The bad news is you have three layers of rotting parquet floor glued on top of each other on top of concrete, so I hope you like dust.”
• Audio-visual expert: "This system is really, really old.  I don't know if we can fix it." Translation: "Your A/V tuner is four years old and I was still in middle school when you bought it. Lady, are you playing LPs on your CD player or what? I'm adding a 20% geezer mark-up."

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Veronica X. is a Canadian by birth, an Upper West Sider by nature, and an Upper East Sider by choice and circumstance. She has finally found an apartment big enough for her family, books, and shoes and is now in the process of renovating it.

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