So your apartment is getting a facelift? Hear this:
Plumber: "There is some water damage to the apartment
below the master bathroom.”Translation: "Changing out the fixtures and retiling ain’t gonna do
it, lady. This is a total gut job--$25-30k,
which should just about cover the new roof at my beach house.”
Contractor: "We can do central air, but we'll have to
drop the ceiling..." Translation: "Your husband might develop a
hunchback but you'll be cool as cucumber."
Electrician: "I'll be there to install the
fixtures tomorrow."Translation: "It will cost more to have the light
put in than to actually buy the lights."
Floor guy: “I have good news and bad news. The good news
is that your ceiling height will get higher.”Translation: “The bad news is you have three layers of
rotting parquet floor glued on top of each other on top of concrete, so I hope
you like dust.”
Audio-visual expert: "This system is really, really old.
I don't know if we can fix it." Translation: "Your A/V tuner is four years old
and I was still in middle school when you bought it. Lady, are you playing LPs
on your CD player or what? I'm adding a 20% geezer mark-up."
Veronica X. is a Canadian by birth, an Upper West Sider by nature, and an Upper East Sider by choice and circumstance. She has finally found an apartment big enough for her family, books, and shoes and is now in the process of renovating it.
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