Closing on a new apartment? Listen closely.
- "I am the buyer's lawyer, Mr. So-and-So. It is so nice to finally meet you in person." Translation: "Your lawyer has been telling me what a monumental pain in the ass you are."
- "Our calculations on the transfer tax were wrong. Here is check for $8.12." Translation: "I hope the $8.12 can tide you guys over until your next payday because you just spent every last penny on this apartment."
- "The washing machine can be finicky. The super can help you if you run in to trouble." Translation: "Good luck, lady, because the washing machine you have been dreaming of and hoping for LEAKS."
- "Congratulations on your new home. Here are some gifts for you." Translation: "Enjoy the $50.00 bottle of champagne, sucker! I am taking the rest of the year off on my commission."
- "Oh you'll just LOVE the neighbors and you'll fit right in." = "The building is overrun with young families and we can't wait to get the heck out. Boca here we come!!!"
Veronica X. is a Canadian by birth, an Upper West Sider by nature, and an Upper East Sider by choice and circumstance. She is presently looking to buy an apartment big enough for her family, her books, and her shoes - not necessarily in that order.
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