I am a New Yorker and I Want My $19,000 Back

By Veronica X. | March 22, 2011 - 8:15AM

An Upper East Side mother is suing her kid's preschool for $19,000 for allegedly failing to prepare said spawn for the ERB test (referred to as ‘the baby SAT’ on CNN), thereby ruining the child's chances of ever getting in to a decent ongoing school, college, yadda, yadda.... Meanwhile, the rest of the country is shaking their heads over the fact that anyone would spend $19,000 on preschool in the first bloody place.

Of course, it's nothing compared to the rent on a decent NYC apartment or the price to renovate a closet-sized bathroom here. But just because we're used to spending up doesn't mean we're down with it. Hence the pent up demand for this special edition of NYC Real(i)ty Speak:

I am a New Yorker and I want my $19,000 back for....

The year’s rent on my roach-infested 5^th floor walkup studio apartment.
Three years’ payment on the parking spot in the garage that is a 20-minute trek from my apartment.
One year's payment on the parking spot for my SUV.
The Tiffany engagement ring that the guys on 47^thStreet told me they could get for half of what I paid.
The cost of eradicating bed-bugs from my apartment.
My 2004/2005 and 2007/2008 pair of Knicks season tickets.
Campaign contributions to Elliot Spitzer.
August rental on Hamptons house that smelled like cat pee (but wasn’t as charming as Grey Gardens).
The renovation plans my coop board nixed.
The cost over-estimate for renovation of our one bathroom (not to mention the six months I had to shower at the neighbors).
Three years of enrichment classes for newborn-to-preschool aged child.
My crappy, out-of-network therapist.
FAO Schwartz birthday party for 7-year-old.
Bogus parking tickets.
Cab fare.
Tips for lazy doormen and porters who have better health insurance than I do.

Veronica X wants to thank all her anonymous contributors--and mention that in all fairness to that UES preschool mom, ‘preschool tuition’ did top most people's lists.

Veronica X. is a Canadian by birth, an Upper West Sider by nature, and an Upper East Sider by choice and circumstance. She has finally found an apartment big enough for her family, books, and shoes and is now in the process of renovating it.

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